Monday, September 21, 2009

Costochondritis- The New Me

When I wake up in the morning, my first thought is "YES!!! I'm still alive." Now, if that's funny to you, well, it should be. =) You see....I spent 2 years without a diagnoses, with terrible constant stabbing chest pain. I had no clue why I felt like I had glass in my ribs...I was terrified one day I wouldn't wake up.

Breathing has always been my tipping point. I hate that I can't breathe pain free. I get that Costo steals the joy I have from being able to pick up my nieces and nephews. I get that if I laugh at a joke, I will feel like some one punched me in the chest for each giggle. I get that. And you know what...sometimes I'm like "screw you Bart, punch away, I want to laugh" (that's what I call my Costo- I think Bart Simpson is SO annoying and defiant and never shuts his trap). Sorry if you love him. =) Just let me hate on the little ugly cartoon, kay?

And I dream about the new me. The "me" without pain. You see, I will be without pain one day. Either on this earth or in Heaven; I will be without pain. I know, I know, the drama! So... If I am pain free on Earth (as is the current plan =), I know there are so many things I'll do different. For instance, I won't get nervous at my musical theater auditions (that's right, folks, I was a personal trainer (day job) pursuing Broadway in NYC before Bart sucker punched me). I was actually on a national tour of Junie B. Jones when I knew I couldn't sing any more with the pain. Walking away from that tour was so tough for me, cried the whole plane ride....But my mom had gotten cancer, it was stress city with the physical and emotional pain...I love her so much, and I so I packed my bags...and headed home. By the way, she's in remission and had breast cancer....she's been through so much and she's doing beautifully. Praise God for that!!

I will not get angry easily. What's the point? You get stressed out and that is crappy for your body. Don't get stressed by stupid stuff. Really, some things just DON't matter. You know this. -)

When I'm well, I will have no issue stating that Jesus is the way, the truth, and the light. He's the only reason I'm not in a straight jacket from this experience. Yes, in my twisted mind, this is still an "experience." Leave me be...I'm coping. =) Jesus has been my rock, my peace, my strengh, and my hope. I don't know about you...but I'm not a people pleaser...but I do, however, want people's approval. They are a little different. -) But, as of the past few months, needing approval went down the drain along with pride and my skinny jeans. When I'm better, I will never take talking and laughing for granted again. I won't keep my joy and peace to myself.

Again, I have a dream. And it involves Bart falling off a cliff and croaking. That's right, I said it, I want the annoying cartoon that feels like glass in my ribs to die. And I want to live. I desperately want to live my life to the fullest. And so each day, I wake up, thankful I'm alive, followed by a punch in the ribs. And then I tell myself for the first time of the day, "crap, that hurt...breathe slowly...don't move, OUCH....okay, that hurts, deep breathe....okay... I'm alive to feel it, that's a good sign. " And then I smile... and get on with it...hopeful, tentative, and in pain.

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