Warning, I'm ranting and there are no exclamation marks in this post.
Begin Monologue: So...the day after the liver flush, I was doing a little exercise. Well...I USE to exercise...now it's more like a ridiculous granny sway. Pathetic. Anyway, so there I am, doing my "exercise" and the tears start a coming. I was a little confused, but mostly overwhelmed by the emotions I felt. I use to cry all the time about costo., you see. But these days, I'm more in the mode of chugging along- pretending that one day this will all be over. And I just gotta do my part until it is. Some would call that denial. I call it, "walk in my shoes for ones day, and if you don't jump off a cliff, then come talk to me."
Soooo the emotions kept coming and coming. Sadness, Frustration, Anger, and mostly...disappointment. I came back home and my poor husband- he got an earful. Thankfully, it wasn't really directed at him. Which is a relief, cause when that happens at the organic market of Lucy with gigantor issues, there's a HUGE cleanup in aisle this really sucks for the marriage.
I went through the gamut of emotions. I think the major issue in my deepest of deeps is that I'm so utterly disappointed. Can't blame me. This is my monologue, let me have a moment of self pity please. .....okay, moving on. I had finally gotten my equity card, finally able to start auditioning for Broadway. I was so excited, it was all coming to fruition. Then everything I'd worked for came out from under me.
And I have spent 3 years thinking, "I just gotta get through this, then I'll be on the next plane to NYC and back to where I started." But what hit me was that I may not. There may be no plane. Some would call this reality. And although my vision of life may seem silly to others, it was my dream. Other girls wanted to grow up and be married, and all I ever would mutter is, "Broadway." Some people would say," well, you just want fame- you should get that out of your system." Really? Can you name 10 people on Broadway right now? Yup. No body knows them. But all they ever wanted to do was theater. It's like this burning flame inside of you that can't be snuffed out. Trust me, I've tried. Cause people don't get people who want to do theater. At all. They just don't. And that's fine, I don't get certain aspects of others people's lives. It's all good.
Why couldn't I have dreamed to be a beach bum, or a wonderful wife who is taken care of, or someone who wants to have a writing career? Or a software developer?! Now there is a perfect candidate for costo....no human contact, can work from home, not much laughter. Boring. Lol. My husband is a software developer. =) He'd be perfect for this. Oh come folks, I'm kidding. Gotta love him. Now, don't get me wrong,I have NOTHING against all those careers. They are awesome. Especially when the person doing them is fulfilling a dream. But my dream was to live in crappy Queens, New York, with no money, a waiting tables job, and audition my little heart out. Sounds glamorous, huh? Yup, that's me. Just call me glamor-lishous.
But to be able to sing, or carry groceries on your own, or walk your luggage up 5 flights of stairs (yes, that's right folks, I lived in a 5 story walk up with no elevator- lol), you cannot have constant chest pain when you merely breathe. And I REALLY struggle with this. Because I could at least be in pain and be fulfilled in what I'm doing if I dreamed of something I could do from home. Like make huge florescent bows or something. Buuuuuut I don't.
And there in lies my deepest disappointment that I am ashamed to admit, because it sounds so shallow: I cannot chase my dream.
In my head....I see your faces in the audience. The looks of confusion. Are they thinking -"this can't be that bad can it? Really, why all the self pity?"
And thus I continue in my strongest stage voice:
And thus I continue in my strongest stage voice:
I. am. blessed. I don't argue that at all. I finally have a diagnoses, my husband can take care of us, and my family loves me. But I miss LIFE. I miss laughing, cutting up, my amazing friends, road trips, auditions, long hours of dance classes even though I sucked, talking on the phone, hugs, dreaming of the future....all of it. I just miss it. There's a hole in my heart and pain in my chest. Now there's a sad little country song for you.
And that's okay. There's no reason I should be omitted from the trials of life. But from time to time...I may not be happy about it. And you know what? I'm okay with that. God's okay with that. I wish other's could be okay with it. I wish people wouldn't want me to be better like yesterday cause it would them feel better about them. I'm making it. I don't want self pity, just from time to time...a "bummer, that SUCKS...I'm praying for you, wanna watch a chick flick in silence or can I lend an ear?" I don't want my progress monitered. That drive me BONKERS. Don't ask me how I am every time you see me. Again, BONKERS. I don't want to talk about it. Keeping people informed of my progress drives me just as nuts as this condition does. I'll let you know when I do. Trust me. And if I've offended you, I'm sorry. I only don't want to talk about it because I'm insecure about the outcome. Unsure. And for that, I'm sorry that I react this way. My foolish anger is always rooted in fear. And thus, the age old adage is true, it's me...not you.
Soooo...word to the wise, liver cleanses make you emotional. And the next time I do a liver cleanse in 2 weeks, I'll buy some heavy duty tissues as well.
Look at audience one more time. Feel insecure. Yet honest.