Sunday, January 17, 2010

Costochondritis- The Dream Play

Warning, I'm ranting and there are no exclamation marks in this post.

Curtain up:

Begin Monologue: So...the day after the liver flush, I was doing a little exercise.
Well...I USE to it's more like a ridiculous granny sway. Pathetic. Anyway, so there I am, doing my "exercise" and the tears start a coming. I was a little confused, but mostly overwhelmed by the emotions I felt. I use to cry all the time about costo., you see. But these days, I'm more in the mode of chugging along- pretending that one day this will all be over. And I just gotta do my part until it is. Some would call that denial. I call it, "walk in my shoes for ones day, and if you don't jump off a cliff, then come talk to me."

Soooo the emotions kept coming and coming. Sadness, Frustration, Anger, and mostly...disappointment. I came back home and my poor husband- he got an earful. Thankfully, it wasn't really directed at him. Which is a relief, cause when that happens at the organic market of Lucy with gigantor issues, there's a HUGE cleanup in aisle this really sucks for the marriage.

I went through the gamut of emotions. I think the major issue in my deepest of deeps is that I'm so utterly disappointed. Can't blame me. This is my monologue, let me have a moment of self pity please. .....okay, moving on. I had finally gotten my equity card, finally able to start auditioning for Broadway. I was so excited, it was all coming to fruition. Then everything I'd worked for came out from under me.

And I have spent 3 years thinking, "I just gotta get through this, then I'll be on the next plane to NYC and back to where I started." But what hit me was that I may not. There may be no plane. Some would call this reality. And although my vision of life may seem silly to others, it was my dream. Other girls wanted to grow up and be married, and all I ever would mutter is, "Broadway." Some people would say," well, you just want fame- you should get that out of your system." Really? Can you name 10 people on Broadway right now? Yup. No body knows them. But all they ever wanted to do was theater. It's like this burning flame inside of you that can't be snuffed out. Trust me, I've tried. Cause people don't get people who want to do theater. At all. They just don't. And that's fine, I don't get certain aspects of others people's lives. It's all good.

Why couldn't I have dreamed to be a beach bum, or a wonderful wife who is taken care of, or someone who wants to have a writing career? Or a software developer?! Now there is a perfect candidate for human contact, can work from home, not much laughter. Boring. Lol. My husband is a software developer. =) He'd be perfect for this. Oh come folks, I'm kidding. Gotta love him. Now, don't get me wrong,I have NOTHING against all those careers. They are awesome. Especially when the person doing them is fulfilling a dream. But my dream was to live in crappy Queens, New York, with no money, a waiting tables job, and audition my little heart out. Sounds glamorous, huh? Yup, that's me. Just call me glamor-lishous.

But to be able to sing, or carry groceries on your own, or walk your luggage up 5 flights of stairs (yes, that's right folks, I lived in a 5 story walk up with no elevator- lol), you cannot have constant chest pain when you merely breathe. And I REALLY struggle with this. Because I could at least be in pain and be fulfilled in what I'm doing if I dreamed of something I could do from home. Like make huge florescent bows or something. Buuuuuut I don't.

And there in lies my deepest disappointment that I am ashamed to admit, because it sounds so shallow: I cannot chase my dream.

In my head....I see your faces in the audience. The looks of confusion. Are they thinking -"this can't be that bad can it? Really, why all the self pity?"

And thus I continue in my strongest stage voice:

I. am. blessed. I don't argue that at all. I finally have a diagnoses, my husband can take care of us, and my family loves me. But I miss LIFE. I miss laughing, cutting up, my amazing friends, road trips, auditions, long hours of dance classes even though I sucked, talking on the phone, hugs, dreaming of the future....all of it. I just miss it. There's a hole in my heart and pain in my chest. Now there's a sad little country song for you.

And that's okay. There's no reason I should be omitted from the trials of life. But from time to time...I may not be happy about it. And you know what? I'm okay with that. God's okay with that. I wish other's could be okay with it. I wish people wouldn't want me to be better like yesterday cause it would them feel better about them. I'm making it. I don't want self pity, just from time to time...a "bummer, that SUCKS...I'm praying for you, wanna watch a chick flick in silence or can I lend an ear?" I don't want my progress monitered. That drive me BONKERS. Don't ask me how I am every time you see me. Again, BONKERS. I don't want to talk about it. Keeping people informed of my progress drives me just as nuts as this condition does. I'll let you know when I do. Trust me. And if I've offended you, I'm sorry. I only don't want to talk about it because I'm insecure about the outcome. Unsure. And for that, I'm sorry that I react this way. My foolish anger is always rooted in fear. And thus, the age old adage is true, it's me...not you.

Soooo...word to the wise, liver cleanses make you emotional. And the next time I do a liver cleanse in 2 weeks, I'll buy some heavy duty tissues as well.

Look at audience one more time. Feel insecure. Yet honest.

End scene.

Curtain down.


  1. You just got a standing ovation from the house. They are clapping and blowing their noses because you moved them with something they could relate to. They felt your pain and your vulnerablity and they are amazed that you were able to express their feelings with such clarity and raw emotion.
    This actress will go far and impact many lives.
    Your fan,

  2. It must be that 3 year thingy. LOL. Now that's a monologue worthy of a Broadway audition. I think you have a screen play right there, go the liver cleanse muse.
    You had Broadway, I was going to revolutionise the treatment of behavioural issues in Dementia one ward at a time. No one understood my passion either but I didn't care. On reflection yours is way more exciting and glamorous but hey I did sing show tunes with my patients. I can belt out a great version of 'Oklahoma", well at least that's what my confused patients told me LOL
    Good luck with the rest of the body/emotional cleanse.
    Michelle :)

  3. Jenni,

    You sweet soul, thank you, thank you, thank you!! Was just wondering today how the pulm. doc appt went. Like how I just asked you how your doing after I just ranted about how it drives me nuts. haha. So bad. I don't deserve any timely answers after my soap box monologue. But I meant from folks who mean really well and love us but fortunately, don't get the know what I mean. Haha!

    you are SO right! It's the 3 years thingy! Like the 3 year clock comes around and we should just all expect a BOO from our illness! haha.

    And that's a great point..if I ever get back on that plane, I'll so use this as an audition piece, good idea. -)

    I think your job sounds pretty cool. I know you have helped so many people.

    And you BELT OUT OKLAHOMA! Love it. Thanks for the giggle. =)

    Hugs and thanks,

  4. Yes, I know but it is different when you ask. When others ask it is so depressing to say, I feel bad or the same or I'm okay. You just feel like you're disappointing them or being boring or whiney. I'm sure they don't feel that way but it sure gets old!!
    I cancelled my pulmonary appt. in tears. It seems there were no tests but a follow up appt. to the last one where they typed in a bunch of stuff in a computer and handed me an inhaler for asthma. I'll see my rheumy Friday and see if she wants me to go back. Had 10 terrible days in a row but then got my period (TMI?) and am much better. Plus lots more prayer.
    I am praying for more faith for all of us. I am praying on earth as it is in Heaven. There is no costo in Heaven. I'm in a much better place than last week and hope to stay here and move on higher. And bring you with me!

  5. Jenni,

    I feel ya, you put it in better words than I almost feel like you're disappointing those you love.

    I'm so sorry to hear about the pulm. appt. =( And the rough 10 days. And no, it's not TMI. lol. I have so wondered about that!! I get worse before my chick time too! Wild. hmmm...I feeling a post a coming. know how I have to blog about everything in my head that's connected to costo. haha.

    So guess what...I'm had 2 days where my pain was pretty minimal since the liver flush...I'm taking it one day at a time...but it's encouraging. Since my pain is pretty consistent and predictable. It's a little exciting to see a change...we shall see...

    I'm praying for you too, daily! You hang in there. I'm so thankful to have a buddy to go through this with! to ice. Just saw my massage therapist. ouch. lol.

  6. Ps- not glad you have costo and have to go through this...but, you know what I mean. =)

  7. I love you so much, roomie! Amazingly written blog. Wow. You are truly gifted on the stage and I know you are ready to chase your dream again. I'm praying for that day....

  8. TENILLE!!! LOVE YOU ROOMIE!! =) Thank you!

  9. Lucy,
    You're so incredible. I just want to tell you that you're not alone!!! I am 21 yrs old and I was diagnosed with costo a year ago. I've felt everything you've felt. I can't tell you how many times I've felt like a bum for whining on and on, for trying to back out of moving objects for my parents, for passing up sports activities with friends.

    We can't run, twist, sit up straight, exercise or damn near breath without constantly feeling the pain. My heart goes out to you and believe me you are not alone.

    All I can say is just remember to live life. Who knows how long this condition will be with us? We can't spend our lives in misery. It's too short...

    I've been reading you for longer than you know Lucy. Thank you for your posts!!! Until the time comes when we're relieved, we're all in this thing together. Stay STRONG!!!

    - Justin

  10. Justin,

    I don't know you, buddy. But if I did, I'd give you a big old costo soft hug. =) Thanks for sharing all of that!

    I really really really appreciate everything you said. You are a wise soul! Thanks for sharing your wisdom and words of encouragement. It really made my day!