Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Costochondritis- The Emotional Journey

Today I found out a few things:
  • I'm not allergic to the normal rap sheet: dairy, corn, meat etc. - yay.
  • That the lab messed up my Celiac test and I'm having to do it all over again- booo.
  • Some times I have a crappy pissed off attitude that needs serious adjusting.- Oops.

I woke up in a terrible mood when I became aware that I had other pains in addition to my chest pain. I. was. Perturbed. Then the lab calls me to share the glorious information that my Celiac test was jacked up, and I'll have to re-do it. And once I do the test, and it's back to the lab, I should receive the results in 7-10 business days. I don't know why, but I hate that answer. 7-10 business days is a crappy answer. giggle.

And then was ticked off that I was ticked off. lol. There's this judging of myself that I do when I'm angry. It's like I can't seem to rise above myself. Ugg. Do you do that? Judge how you're handling a certain situation? Or your pain? So today, I decided to just let myself feel it. I did my ticked off granny stroll extra granny style, and just let myself be. When I allow myself to feel my anger, it always goes back to the root of the anger, disappointment and/or fear.

TMI alert: What I call the fear-anger has been a life long battle with me. I was born with a birth defect called hypo-mid-facial-plasia. Now there's an awkward blog. It's a fancy word for the face not being fully developed. Yeah...eek is right So...I didn't have the equipment to breathe, and thus a slew of surgeries followed. I've had so many, I've lost count. Ummm...I feel weird sharing this, but here goes. My dad says there was one night during the months they told my parents I couldn't breathe and they didn't know if they could fix it....that he started praying. He told the Lord that he'd devote his life to teaching me about Him if I could live. He said that the next morning he was able to see me and instead of looking like I couldn't breathe, I just look pissed off. HAHA! Anyhoo, It was like God lit something in me that to this day, comes out. A lot. Anger was a survival tool at the time. But now, I'm trying to change my tune.

So over the years, I've had many surgeries...a tumor removed from my head, many surgeries on the structure of my face, I have no tear ducts, PTSD, and my eye lids don't work- yeah, that's awkward. I wear sunglasses as often as I can because I don't dig it when people stare at my eyes and the scars I try to cover up. I get so hacked. I'm kind of a mess. I like to think I'm a hot mess. -) And if you poor water in my nose like from a netty pot? The water does not drain out the other side, where does it go?!? HAHA! I know it's weird to laugh at this, but truly. it's funny.

My last head surgery was when I was 18....In some weird way, I thought I had served my time, ya know? Lived through it. Survived. In my head, I had a challenging start and was gunna be the girl who was on Broadway and sit on David Letterman's couch and say, "yeah, it was rough start, but here I am world!" And you know, that's okay that I feel this way. I'm not going to judge myself anymore. Because then I'm denying where I am. In this moment. It doesn't mean we can't move through the pain of disappointment, mourning, anger, or fear...but before we move on, maybe we can acknowledge these pieces of ourselves.. Give them a voice. Maybe some crevice of our soul just wants to be heard. And it has to tap into our raw emotions in the disguise of anger because we won't give it a voice.

I think I use to get so angry as a kid and teen because I had no words for the fear that captured my body. But today I'm an adult, fully capable of allowing a feeling to permeate, mature, exist, and then move on from it into hope and light.

Maybe the Lord is giving me a second chance at this gig. lol. Maybe it's another chance to tear down the walls, take off the sun glasses, be real, be truthful, put down the emotional gavel of judgement on myself, and just be the creation He made me, in all His glory, not mine.

If you met me today, you would barely see the scars from my past. Someone said to me last week that I needed short blond hair because it matched my personality. That made me laugh...and think. There is a piece of me that is very blond, bubbly, and fun. That's the little girl in me who is blond, and so crazy. She'll always be a part of me. But my adult self? She's a strong brunette who's not ashamed of where she's been and who's trying to acknowledge where she is. And who knows? If the ever present scars of 18 years of surgeries can look so minimal now, maybe the scars of this battle will be but a dim memory as well. That is my prayer, my heart, my plea, and my truth without the shades.


  1. I am woman hear me roar (or sing Broadway tunes LOL). Has anyone told you that you are one incredible person? Cause they should. What you've been through, still go through, and you continue to shine.

    I sometimes wonder if it's possible to understand and appreciate life if you haven't had a bit of darkness in it (though I do think you've had your fair share plus about 28 other people's fair share). How can you appreciate any light if every moment is easy and bright? I sometimes envy those who seem to have the easy road but I wonder if they are actually the poorer for never being able to truly understand what they have.

    I think you are right. You have to let yourself feel those emotions rather than judge yourself (which I do so well). If you don't give it voice and acknowledge it it'll fester and rob you of what happiness there is in life.

    Those scars will be erased by your light I have absolutely no doubt about that.

    Michelle xx

    PS I can see you on Letterman. And I'll sit there and proudly say I know that woman, she's kick arse :)

  2. I'm so going to look like crap at work today because I spent all my getting-ready time reading and commenting on your blog this morn! Aye. But worth it.

    Just commented over yonder. Take a look.

  3. Michelle,

    You are so sweet!! Thank for saying all of that. I really really appreciate it so much.

    You are so right, I love what you said about "If you don't give it voice and acknowledge it it'll fester and rob you of what happiness there is in life." I LOVE that! I'm going to focus on that statement this week.

    And lol, thanks for the Letterman cheers. Dave doesn't know it yet, but his show needs me. =)


    HAHAAAA....thanks for the giggle. Hope work was good today, I'm headed over yonder.


  4. Hello Lucy,

    THANK YOU so much for all of your honesty. It is so appreciated, beyond words. You know every one of us reading just want to give you lots and lots of gentle hugs.

    PLEASE do Beth Moore's Bible study called "Breaking Free". I know it will bless you. She rewrote it recently. And said that out of all her books and Bible studies this is the one she would recommend if asked, and this is the one that has personally touched her and changed her the most, to be more God like. I know God will not only meet you there, but He will bring His healing touch. PLEASE! He wants to heal you like nothing or any person can. And then He wants to teach you to live in freedom through Him.

    Three cheers for Lucy: hip hip hooray, hip hip hooray, hip hip hooray.

    Thank you again for sharing your heart with all of us.

    Love, Mychelle

  5. Mychelle,

    Thank you so much for your generous words!! I will take all those hugs! =)

    Thanks for sharing with me about Breaking Free. It sounds really wonderful. I've done half of "Believing Him", but not "Breaking Free". Looking forward to checking it out!

    Thanks for the cheers! lol. I love it!

    Hugs and Healing you,